yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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