How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I didn't notice because vodka
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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