Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
