I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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