If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
