i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
