I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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