Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
