My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
