You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
