i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
