I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
