I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize