I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
