So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
