How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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