I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
