you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
