So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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