There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He shit in the fireplace
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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