I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
COCAINE IS GR8
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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