I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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