my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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