I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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