how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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