Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
