I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
