I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
