You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
