saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
