I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
