i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
