I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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