This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
