I accidentally had phone sex last night
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's rum buckets o'clock
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize