Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize