i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize