I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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