The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My ass is underappreciated
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
