Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
