So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
