Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
