i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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