my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
