Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My life is pants optional.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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