can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize