Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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