I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
