I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
