Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
