pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
