is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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