I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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