I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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