Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
