My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
bring money and cleavage
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
