I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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