When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize