Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
