this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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