I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
